A calmer way to resolve conflict – Dr. Dobias Healing Solutions

In the present day is my 62nd birthday! 

I used to cover my age, and ignore my birthdays however as time progresses and I appear to be holding collectively a lot better than projected, I’m rather more open sharing what I do, together with what dietary supplements I take, and what else I do for my bodily, emotional and psychological well being. 

I think about Pax and my companion have one thing particular deliberate for me — maybe a hike in my favorite locations and for positive a swim!!!

However earlier than we take off… I’d prefer to share a present with you. 

One thing I sense could make an enormous distinction in your life. 
It’s helped me to navigate troublesome conversations and “variations in opinion” with surprisingly constructive outcomes since I found this methodology. 

How a Vacation Disagreement Turned Into Emotional Well being Work

Final vacation season, my companion Dean and I had an settlement to not complain about one another to our company. (I’m positive it has by no means occurred in your family, proper?!)

That settlement wasn’t stored.

I gained’t say which certainly one of us broke it. However I’ll say that it was not a Christmas second to rejoice. 

When you’ve been residing with somebody for a few years — a companion, a sibling, or perhaps a pricey buddy — doesn’t it generally really feel like the identical disagreement retains resurfacing?

This time, as an alternative of letting it fade and resurface once more later, I requested my companion if we might strive one thing slightly uncommon.

We recorded our disagreement on the Voice Memo app. Then copied and pasted the transcription and fed it into Perplexity utilizing the Grok mannequin (you too can use ChatGPT).

Our aim wasn’t to “win” or show some extent.

We merely wished a impartial mirror — a contemporary perspective that may assist us see one thing we had been lacking.

Earlier than I am going any additional, I need to be clear:

I’m not a therapist, don’t intend to be, and the next is for info and academic functions solely and isn’t meant to interchange work with a therapist or counsellor.

Usually, the AI has the tendency make the consumer really feel good. This is the reason, I made positive it didn’t know, who was who and portrayed as an individual A and B. 

Nonetheless the evaluation was considerably siding me, which I didn’t need. I requested the AI if it was unbiased, it confirmed and gave me an entire record of causes.  

However from my perspective, that was not what I used to be searching for. I wished each of us to really feel good. 

Discovering Carl Rogers and a Extra Balanced Battle Decision

The subsequent day, I used to be driving and listening to the Tim Ferriss podcast when he talked about the psychologist Carl Rogers.

Carl Rogers was identified for an method to communication and remedy that targeted on deep listening, empathy, and understanding — with out judgment and with out taking sides. 

His perception was easy however highly effective: folks transfer towards therapeutic after they actually really feel heard and understood.

That instantly caught my consideration.

I went again to the transcript of our recording and requested Perplexity to evaluate it by Carl Rogers’ method to communication and battle decision.

This time, the output was wonderful!

It was extra balanced. Much less about who was “proper”, and extra about what every of us was experiencing internally.

It even described every of our views when it comes to completely different ranges of non-public consciousness, serving to clarify why we reacted the way in which we did — with out blame.

Most significantly, it gave us one thing sensible to work with.

And wouldn’t you already know it? We had a chance to place this new method into apply a few days later.

How Emotional Well being Impacts Our Canine Too

In an ideal world, we’d by no means argue or struggle with our companion, household, or pals.

However in the actual world, battle is usually inevitable. 

Unresolved or repeated battle is dangerous for us and in addition for our canine – they deeply sense and soak up our emotional well being and stress ranges.

So I need to share 4 prompts you should use with Perplexity, ChatGPT or one other AI instrument that may allow you to resolve battle with somebody you care about in a relaxed, non-judgmental approach. 

Earlier than sharing these prompts, let me offer you an actual world instance of how they work.

Lately, my companion Dean and I had been on the seaside with Pax.

Dean was doing yoga. I went for my thirty minute swim.

Whereas I used to be within the water, Pax did what canine do. He pooped. Dean didn’t discover (our fellow beachgoers weren’t too completely happy about that!).

Slightly later, Pax discovered one thing within the sand and ate it earlier than anybody might cease him. To at the present time, we’re not solely positive what it was — which, as any canine lover is aware of, isn’t a comforting thriller.

Once I got here again from my swim and realized what had occurred, I felt upset. 

I assumed we had an unstated understanding about watching Pax rigorously on the seaside. Dean felt upset too, however for a special purpose.

He felt criticized and blamed for one thing he didn’t deliberately ignore.

We talked about it within the automobile on the way in which dwelling. And as an alternative of letting it flip into one other lingering irritation, we determined to strive a special method.

We recorded the dialog. We transcribed it. And we requested the AI to evaluate it by the lens of Carl Rogers — a psychologist famend for selling empathy and deep listening.

What got here again wasn’t judgment. It didn’t inform both of us we had been “fallacious.” As a substitute, it mirrored one thing surprisingly useful:

I used to be reacting from concern and accountability — wanting Pax to be protected and wholesome.

Dean was reacting from feeling momentarily overwhelmed and unaware — not careless, simply distracted.

As soon as that was clear, the answer grew to become apparent. We didn’t must argue about intentions. That’s the form of argument that tends to make folks really feel judged and defensive.

We wanted a easy settlement. So we made one.

After we’re on the seaside with Pax:

Considered one of us is all the time actively watching him
Telephones keep away
We watch for lavatory breaks
We forestall scavenging
And we clear up instantly so we don’t destroy the expertise for others

What struck me most wasn’t that the scenario was resolved, however the way it was resolved.

The strain disappeared not as a result of somebody “gained,” however as a result of we each felt understood.

And when the people are calmer and extra related, our canine really feel it too.

Pax actually did.

A Easy Observe You Can Strive

When you’re studying this and pondering, “That sounds useful… but additionally slightly intimidating,” I perceive.

The excellent news is that this doesn’t require particular abilities, technical data, or hours of effort.

It’s easy. And you’ll strive it the very subsequent time when any disagreement reveals up. It doesn’t should be about canine care — it may be about any side of emotional well being or relationship stress.

How one can Use AI to Replicate on Battle

Right here’s How one can Strive This Your self

First, begin recording any form of dialog — a couple of small and even deeper matter. Document provided that all concerned events agree. I exploit Voice Memos app on my iPhone, however any app that transcribes a voice recording is sweet.

As soon as the dialog is over, transcribe it. Then, copy and paste the transcript into Perplexity, ChatGPT, or one other comparable AI instrument with these 4 prompts:

Immediate #1: Preliminary Evaluation (Core)

“Please assess this dialog between Particular person A and Particular person B utilizing Carl Rogers’ person-centered remedy rules. Deal with: 1) What every individual’s actual self appears to be expressing beneath their phrases, 2) The place incongruence (inside emotions vs. expressed phrases) seems for every individual, 3) The core emotional wants every individual has that are not being met, and 4) Whether or not empathy, genuineness, and unconditional constructive regard are current on this trade. Then present sensible recommendation grounded in each Rogers’ method and mainstream battle decision strategies.” 

[insert the transcript of your conversation here]

Immediate #2: Understanding Habits Patterns (Optionally available Deep Dive)

“Assuming each Particular person A and Particular person B are well-intentioned, please clarify: 1) Why every individual is perhaps performing the way in which they do based mostly on Carl Rogers’ idea of ‘situations of value’ (beliefs about being acceptable/lovable), 2) What childhood or relational patterns might need formed these defensive behaviors, and three) What every individual’s ‘actualizing tendency’ (pure progress route) would possibly seem like in the event that they felt safer on this relationship.”

Immediate #3: Rogers’ Developmental Evaluation (Optionally available)

“Utilizing Carl Rogers’ 7 Phases of Course of, please establish which stage every individual (A and B) seems to be working from on this dialog. Clarify what behaviors point out their stage (e.g., rigidity, emotional expression, self-ownership, openness to vary) and what situations would assist every individual transfer towards higher congruence and genuine communication.”

Immediate #4: Sensible Subsequent Steps (Motion-Oriented)

“Based mostly on this dialog, what are essentially the most reasonable subsequent steps for Particular person A and Particular person B? Please present: 1) One factor every individual might say or do in another way that honors their genuine self whereas assembly the opposite’s core want (Rogers-style congruence), 2) One sensible communication settlement or boundary they might strive (mainstream remedy method), and three) Your evaluation of whether or not their core variations are workable with consciousness and energy, or sign a deeper incompatibility.”

This course of is a solution to acquire readability, forestall escalation, and acquire a contemporary perspective on recurring battle — with out blame, with out judgment, and with out anybody needing to “win.”

The intention issues.

When you method others with curiosity, kindness, and a shared need to know one another higher.

I’ve determined to share my story, and this methodology, primarily as a result of I’ve discovered it extra helpful than taking a course, studying self-help books or paying for costly remedy periods at occasions of rising prices. 

It breaks my coronary heart to see relationships falling aside unnecessarily, and good folks making their lives tougher as a result of they don’t train relationship and communication abilities in school.

It’s laborious. 

I hope this info will allow you to open the door to conversations that really feel calmer, safer, and relationships which can be lasting and stronger. 

That’s a win-win-win for everybody, together with our beloved canine.